So at first glance, you may be thinking, "Wow, what the heck is that all about?" or maybe, "Watch your language!" anyway, regardless of what your thought was I got your attention didn't I?? Haha. Anyway, those words, "Go to Hell Satan", I sure do mean them when I say them. It would probably help just a tad bit if I gave you some context, right? Well here it is:
Wednesday July 2, 2014 Vacation to Richmond, VA:
I had spent the day touring two incredible plantations with my aunt, uncle and mom. I had had a great day going through some of Richmond's history, something I really like doing, and to top the day off, I was going out to dinner to a new African restaurant, local to Richmond, with my mom, aunt and uncle. While waiting for our weird African dishes at the restaurant (like seriously weird, fish sauce and all...) somehow the conversation began to shift to talking about working out, healthy diets, weight loss, weight gain, etc. Right off the bat... not a good conversation for me. Like someone starts talking diet, exercise, or whatever related to that, my mind immediately starts jumping to self-critique mode. Anyway, my uncle made a comment to me, and all he said was, "I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but you look good, you look like you've filled out". Great compliment for any girl... but for me... not so much. From that very second, my confidence, my attitude and my mood were shot down the rest of the night, and everyone noticed. Later that evening, back at the house, I was upstairs sitting on my bed, and my mom came up and asked me what was wrong. Of course, I didn't feel like talking about anything, so with a typical female response, I just said, "Nothing", and of course I was lying, and my mom saw right through it. My mom, slightly angrily, said, "Well something is wrong, because ever since Uncle Bob made that comment you have been in a bad mood, and everyone has noticed.
*Disclaimer* Before you continue reading, know that this part is real. It is raw. It is true. It is my thoughts. It is a real life struggle. It is personal. So continue as you wish!
I bursted into tears. I sobbed and sobbed and tried to make the words come out. They slowly made there way out of my mouth... "Mom, I'm literally sick. My mind is so messed up. I never feel thin enough. I always look in the mirror and I see a cow. I know I am not unhealthy. I know I am not fat, and when I see incredibly skinny women, I see how unhealthy they look, and must feel, and I don't want to look that way, but for some reason my mind makes me think that I have to be that skinny. I don't know why! I hate thinking and feeling the way I do. I don't want to feel this way." I could see the tears form in my moms eyes, and I could tell that she was speechless. She didn't know what to say, and I don't blame her, because how could it be easy to hear your very own child speak that way of themselves. How easy could it be for a mother to sit there and listen to her daughter talk about how much she dislikes herself, how much she is lacking in self-confidence? Well I can guarantee it is not easy at all. My mom left the room, and I was shocked for a moment that she would leave when I was in this state, but she did the right thing. My poor mother, bless her heart, I knew she didn't know what to say, but she did the best thing she could have, and she talked to my aunt.
My aunt... what can I say to provide the slightest insight into my aunt's wisdom, compassion and love? Somehow, even though we are ten hours apart, she always knows just what to say. My aunt came up to the bedroom and sat with me on the bed. She didn't come in and hug me. She didn't come in and immediately comfort me. She didn't tell me that I am beautiful, and how could I possibly think the way I do? For a minute she said nothing. For a minute she sat in silence, and she waited. Maybe it wasn't on purpose, or maybe it was, but for that moment of silence, my mind was running a million miles an hour, but then the words just came out like word vomit. I told her about how every time I look in the mirror, I see a cow. I told her about how my senior year of high school, I literally counted exactly how many calories I consumed each day so that I knew how many I had to burn off so everything cancelled out, which meant I was getting no nutrients at all. I told her about how I lost about 15 pounds last summer into the beginning of my college career, and I told her how sick I felt, but I was so happy with myself when I looked in the mirror because I finally looked in the mirror and saw skinny. I told her everything. The thoughts I have had for the past several years, the thoughts that I have on a consistent basis, the lies I allow myself to believe, the criticisms I place on myself, they all came out... and boy did it feel good. I hadn't even gotten into any of my aunt's incredible wisdom yet... just the mere confession of the state of my mind and confidence had already made me feel so much better. I had never really talked to anyone much about this struggle. After I was done vomiting out words, my aunt finally got a chance to speak. She said this, "You know, next time you look in the mirror and those thoughts begin to come to your mind, you need to recognize that those thoughts and feelings are coming from Satan and they are not the truth. You need to recognize that it is Satan, and then you need to say, 'Go back to hell Satan.' Just tell him to go back to hell." What simple words. What powerful words. HOLY CRAP! You mean to tell me that I, a 19-year-old girl who is weak and struggles with so much, has the power to tell Satan to go to hell! How incredibly cool is that?!?!? That is literally all it took for my aunt to say to me, and my mind, heart and mood immediately flipped! She was so right! We continued to talk a little bit, and laugh joke, and boy did it feel good. I appreciate my aunt so much. She didn't come up to the bedroom to yell at me. She didn't tell me how wrong I was for thinking those thoughts. She didn't tell me I was weak for struggling with something like image. She didn't come up to scold me about my previous eating choices. She came up to tell me that I have power because I have Christ. She came up to encourage me to use that power and tell Satan to go back to hell.
What strikes my heart to the very core is this: I am not perfect because I am in Christ. Would I like to be? Absolutely 100% yes. I would love to be able to say that I am perfect, and living a perfect life for Christ, but because of satan's grips, I'm not. I struggle. There are many things I struggle with, and eating and image has been one of those things for years now. But despite this struggle, this huge struggle that has literally captivated the attention of so much of my life, the Lord is SO faithful. It may have taken 7 years to figure it out. 7 years of agonizing thoughts and feelings, a hateful outlook of myself, quite a few moments of having a hungry stomach, but the Lord used my aunt in an incredible way. He used her to show me that even though I struggle, I am still powerful because I can call on His power! I can call on the power of Jesus, and that is plenty of power to empower me to tell Satan to go to hell.
The next morning, I woke up, went into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and laughed and cried tears of joy. For the first time in many years, I looked into the mirror and was able to know what it felt like to love myself. I said out loud, "You're beautiful, Lindsey." and I said it out loud with no shame. I didn't care if someone heard me. So what, I'm talking to myself! Well newsflash, we are all a little strange and have our quirks! But when I said that aloud, it felt as though it was the voice of God speaking through me, vocally, to myself! I was so comforted. I am healthy. I run everyday. I eat healthy, but I love me some chocolate every now and then... I mean what girl doesn't, right? Haha. I have curves. I have a butt. I'm tall, and I'm built, but most importantly, I am beautiful because the Lord has taken time and energy to make me in such specific and special way. I often wonder if when I think awful thoughts about myself and how I look, if Jesus weeps a bit. I mean, He took so much time and energy and paid so close attention to detail when creating me, and He thinks of me as His masterpiece. It has to make Him sad when I degrade His incredible artwork. It's just like when you take time to make a beautiful, homemade, hand-crafted cupcake (well I guess in my case cupcakes, but you get the idea), and someone says they hate it. I would feel SO upset! I would probably weep and that's just over a dumb cupcake! I am beautiful because the Good Lord made me, and He created me in His image!
In closing, I want all of you to know that EVERYONE struggles. If someone tells you that they have not one single struggle... well, they are lying. Even the people who look they have everything together so well, they struggle. When sin entered this world, it was made known that it would effect each and every one of us, and it does. But, fear not! The Lord is SO SO SO faithful, and because of the sacrifice He made for YOU, yes YOU, on the cross, you can be empowered by His power to tell Satan and his evil sin to GO TO HELL!
For those of you who have dealt with the same struggle I did for so many years, whether you are a guy or a girl, I would love to chat, and above all, I would LOVE to pray for you, because whether or not you can see it yet, you really are beautiful, and there is a way out of this struggle.
"You are all together beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7
*A special thanks to my beautiful aunt for sharing her wisdom with me, and truly being the hands and feet of Christ just by taking the time to talk with me and love on me, just as Christ would. I love you Aunt Vicky.
