It is the longing of my soul to be understood.
If you're anything like me, then I'm quite positive you have experienced this deep longing and desire to be known and understood for exactly who you are.
I have to believe that regardless of whether an individual wants to admit it or not, the desire to be known and understood is universal in human beings. It is a desire that transcends the physical and enters the realm of the spiritual. We can be surrounded by a room full of people, but if not one of those individuals really understands who we are, we could very well feel that we are completely alone.
Perhaps you have experienced this feeling of loneliness before. Perhaps this is the desire your heart truly longs for... to be known and understood by the ones you love the most: your parents, your siblings, your best friends... and perhaps you are experiencing great pain and distress from the feelings and fears of not being understood by those people you love, or perhaps you have experienced this at least once before... I have.
Last weekend I had the opportunity to go on my first silent retreat with some classmates for one of my spiritual formation classes through Spring Arbor University. At first the idea of 24 hours of silence and rest seemed wonderfully relaxing. In a semester that has presented countless opportunities to be an extrovert, silence seemed just what a hardcore introvert needed most. So we left for our retreat... and I was excited beyond belief, but then my mind caught up with my excitement. I began to wonder, what on earth will I think about for 24 hours? What if I don't do this whole silence thing right? (as if one could really do silence "wrong") The thoughts seemed to be on a continuous cycle in my mind, but they ceased the moment I sat at the edge of my bed, opened my palms to the sky and said, "Well... God, here I am. I don't know what to do, I don't know what you want me to think about, I don't know what you want to bring up, but take this time; it is yours."
I should have known that surrendering the time to God would be fruitful nonetheless, but incredibly tough to work through, quite sticky if you will. God is funny like that; He doesn't really give handouts. He makes you work, but the results of that hard work taste so very sweet.
In the midst of the silence, there was a one opportunity to use words, and that was during a one-on-one time with the class professor. He offered his time for us to talk about anything we may want, or anything that has been pressing upon us lately... I came with nothing. Up to this point, I still had not figured anything out to think about or work through, but I quickly observed how powerful it is to simply make myself available to another human being, available to the Holy Spirit, and I also observed the power that a simple question can have.
As my professor asked me a few simple questions, those simple questions continued to inch deeper and deeper into some more difficult questions. The questions became more thought provoking, and all of a sudden, it seemed to appear out of nowhere, rising out of the depths of my heart, that longing to be understood. It was as if someone had taken some Pledge furniture polish and wiped away the many layers of dust that had been suppressing that desire for so long. The realization was painful, and the fear that came with it was strong. What was this realization? It was this: I am not fully understood by anyone.
If those words hold true, I am not understood by anyone... then what is the point? Why do I need relationships if nobody every truly "gets me" or knows what is going on in my heart and mind? Why bother investing in all those people that God places along my path if they don't really understand or know me? But then it hit me... the words filtered through my ears gently... "Lindsey, you want to be known and understood, but do you seek to know and understand those around you?" The words were so humbling, but they caused me even more fear; the fear of being countercultural.
In a world that applauds individualism, productivity and independence, I think it is safe to say that taking time to sit down with another human being and learn about their life, their thoughts and their experiences is not really at the top of anyone's "To Do" list. To be honest, I think in most cases that if one had the opportunity to sit down with another person and learn about them by asking questions and simply listening, the experience, on both ends, would be viewed as quite awkward.
But why is it this way? What has changed from 100 years ago that we are so afraid to get to know the person sitting right in front of us, yet we have this expectation that they must know who we are? And why are we so afraid of being misunderstood? Why do we believe that there must be at least one person who understands every part of our mind and heart, because the truth is, that may never be a reality... But here is a reality, and one that I think offers much hope.
You are fully known. You are fully understood. You are fully loved.
You may never feel the truth of these words here on earth, because human beings fail every single day, and you can be sure that each day, there is going to be at least one person that lets you down in one way or another... and if they truly knew you and cared to understand you, that would not happen. But your Creator knows you. Your Creator understands you. Your Creator loves you, and guess what, your Creator will never fail, nor will He ever let you down.
When you are surrounded by the people you love, the people that you assume should know you and understand you, but then let you down, remember the reality that although you may not be fully known or understood by anyone on this earth, your Creator will always fully know and understand you, and that is enough. He left Heaven and sacrificed His divinity in order to fully know and understand you because He loves you so much.
Now I am not saying that loneliness is something we should simply pay no attention to. On the contrary, I think that loneliness is critically important to pay attention to, in ourselves, yes, so we can be reminded that we are always known by our Creator, but I think it is so important for us to recognize the loneliness in those around us. This is where my fear of being countercultural comes in. Culture doesn't tell us to go sit with the lonely elderly man sitting alone a couple of booths down in the restaurant and invite him to join us. Culture also doesn't encourage us to sit down with our family members and really dig into their lives, ask them questions like "What have been your burdens lately, and would you let me carry them with you?" But how can we expect anyone on this earth to ever spend time getting to know and understand us when we are not willing to know and understand them?
Fitting in with culture is so much easier than going against culture, because when one just goes with the expectations that culture has set in place, he or she can just fly under the radar. I am a pleaser, and meeting expectations is simple for me to do because I don't want to upset anyone or make things any more complicated than they need to be, so I simply let go of my desire to be countercultural, for fear of dissatisfying those around me or making them feel uncomfortable, but I have come to realize something... I am fed up with fitting in, and if being countercultural means that I am being a faithful disciple in the eyes of the Lord, than I am ready to face my fear, and being countercultural it is.
So I leave you with this...
When you are feeling lonely, like no one "gets you" or nobody "understands" ask yourself this question: "Am I seeking to understand others before I expect them to understand me?" And I would then encourage you to remind yourself that it does not matter if not a single person fully knows or understands you here on earth, because your Creator knew and understood you before you even knew yourself, and I'm sure He knows and understands you more than you know and understand yourself now.
Here is my challenge, and this challenge is to myself, but I encourage you to join me, BE COUNTERCULTURAL! Go have intentional conversations with the people you care about. Figure out what is going in their lives, how they are dealing with it and how they are feeling. You may think you know someone, but you might be surprised what you learn when you take time to ask them questions and refrain from talking about yourself. "First seek to understand, then to be understood."
