Thankfulness: What it Means to Me

Thanksgiving: the holiday that comes around only once per year, and the only holiday that really allows you to justifiably stuff yourself more than the actual turkey itself was stuffed, and no one can say a single word... and you don't have to feel bad about it, because everyone else is doing the same thing! 

Thanksgiving is also the one holiday of the year in which we, as human beings, feel obligated and pressured by society to post a status, send in a quick tweet, text people, write letters, etc. to let the world know that we are thankful, and to let them know exactly what we are thankful for. I am not discrediting that at all, because I absolutely LOVE seeing what people are thankful for, and rejoicing with them for the blessings in their lives, but while I could go on and tell you everything that I am thankful for in this post, which you wouldn't have time to read anyway, I mean you've got my Lord and Savior, my family, coffee, my friends, my dogs, coffee, a warm home, running, coffee, cupcake baking, my church family... oh and did I mention coffee? and the list would just go on an on and on. So, what is this post about? This post is not just about being thankful, but what the Lord has taught me to do with my thankfulness.

I always thought saying "Thank you", whether it be to an individual, or to the Lord, was enough, but honestly, in the past couple of weeks, my thoughts about, and heart towards, cultivating gratitude has changed so much, and I owe it all to the Holy Spirit speaking incredible words of truth  into my heart through one of my favorite professors at SAU. A couple of weeks ago, one of our spiritual events on campus at SAU was an evening of gratitude talks with this particular professor. On this night, this professor challenged everyone that attended the event to sit down at the end of each day and write down five things they were thankful for. That's it, just five things; it doesn't take much time, but creating this habit truly paves the way to being able to cultivate gratitude into your heart. 

I began to participate in this challenge that very night before I went to bed, and as I have continued this challenge, I am realizing that there is so much to be thankful for, and it is incredibly overwhelming and humbling when I take time to reflect on the things I am thankful for at the end of each day. I am realizing that no matter how crappy a day may seem, or what bitter feelings I may have in my heart, there is always a reason to be thankful, and there is ALWAYS a reason to embrace the fruit of joy. 

After about a week, the habit really was already established, but I was desiring something more, possibly some more understanding. I prayed about the things I was thankful for each night, and I asked God, what am I supposed to do with this? I have all of these things that I am thankful for, but now what? It is great to express gratitude, and I love acknowledging the blessings that God has placed in my life, but what I am supposed to do with that acknowledgment? 

Throughout the past week, the Lord has made it clear what I am supposed to do with those things I am thankful for. I am called to take those things I am thankful for and figure out how I can use them to honor and glorify the Lord, and the best possible way I can think to do that, is by serving and loving my brothers and sisters in Christ. Tonight, I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had today to spend in the kitchen baking. Baking is something I absolutely love to do, and I am so thankful for the skills and passion that I have for baking, but what I realized is that the Lord allowed me to use that opportunity on behalf of another. I got to bake the Thanksgiving pies tonight, and not only did I enjoy doing it, but it was a huge item that my mom is able to check off her incredibly busy list. 

It seems so small, and so simple, but it is something that I have definitely overlooked. I think it is so incredible, beautiful and profound that the Lord blesses us, and places things, activities, skills, people in our lives that we are thankful for, and when we take time to think about it, all of those things have the great potential to bring Him honor and glory. So, when you're making your list of things you are thankful for this season, I encourage you, take some time and reflect on how God has been, or is using those blessings! It is so neat to see how His painting of your life is coming together, when you just take some time at the end of each day to reflect on what He is doing! 

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." -James 1:17

In Him I Am Secure.

Makeup is a powerful tool, just as any other material object of the 21st century is. It has the power to make a woman feel confident and comforted, and it has the power to make a woman become dependent upon it, in order to feel beautiful, and often attractive. There is nothing wrong with putting makeup on here and there to accentuate the beauty that is already there, or to just have some fun, but it becomes a problem when a woman cannot leave the house without having it on, because she fears what the rest of the world will think, or even more so, say. It becomes a problem when makeup becomes a woman's sense of security. I say this, because I am a woman, and I had this fear, and just 22 days ago at that.

For the first time in my entire life, I have not put a single stroke of makeup on my face for 22 days straight (minus the annual 80's skate night event at SAU... gotta go all out for that, haha). As crazy as it may sound, I have taken my security blanket off, and I have discovered what it is like to really put on the confidence of Christ. In just 22 days, the Lord has taught me and is continuing to teach me who I am on the outside. There are so many posts on my blog about what God is teaching me about who I am on the inside, but this month, the Lord has transformed what I see on the outside as well.

On November 1, I woke up, went about my daily routine of getting ready in the morning, and before I knew it, I was reaching into my makeup bag... and then I remembered... the time had come... to put the mascara down. As I looked in the mirror, I could not fathom leaving my room without doing something! I stood in front of the mirror and criticized how short my eyelashes looked without mascara, how the lines under my eyes clearly displayed that I did not get enough sleep that night, and how pale my face looked without something on it. I was so harsh... but as I looked up, I saw the words that I had written on my mirror at the beginning of the school year, which say, "You are the BELOVED of Christ." In the matter of seconds I internalized that message in my heart, and I prayed. I prayed for confidence, and I prayed for peace in my mind, so that I would not be focusing on what people might be thinking or saying about my appearance.

For the sake of a cool story, I wish I could say that this month has been this dramatic revelation of what beauty is, and how the Lord dramatically captivated my attention, but in all honesty, this is a boring story, because it was a slow, daily process, but I am okay with that. Each morning as I woke up, not putting makeup on got a little bit easier, especially as I looked up at those words... "You are the BELOVED of christ."

I am His creation. I am His work of art. I am His masterpiece. I was created in His image. There is no flaw in me, and that includes what my face looks like. I was created intentionally, and God does not make mistakes. My face is exactly as it is, because that is how He planned it to be! Each morning that I have woken up and looked in the mirror, the Lord has allowed me to fall in love with this truth more and more. The truth that He makes no mistakes, and that I truly am His beloved. Only He can tell me who I am, and there is absolutely no reason why I need to feel like I should hide who He has made me to be, especially behind makeup.

This month, the Lord has taught me that there is something absolutely incredible about a natural face, and a natural smile. He has taught me that my beauty is more than just what my face looks like, but it looks like the natural glow that a woman gets when she knows who she is in Christ, and when she is filled with the love and power of the Holy Spirit. He has allowed me to genuinely like what I see when I look in the mirror, because I finally realize that I am HIS wonderful creation that He took so much time and detail to create, and I now can praise Him for it!

There truly is something incredibly beautiful, and contagious about a woman who is secure in all of her uniqueness, her uniqueness that was so intentional and planned by the Lord. This month, the Lord has allowed me take off my security blanket, and put on a different one, and that is the security of His love and perfection. I am who I am because He made me that way... and that is absolutely perfect! That is never to say that there is no room for growth, because there definitely always is, but each day, the Lord is allowing me to discover more and more of that Godly confidence that I know He is just yearning for me to uncover and implement in my life, and for that, I am so, so grateful.

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling! There is no flaw in you!" Song of Songs 4:7

Pushing Through the Pain... The Ultimate Reward

Legs and lungs burning. Heart rate racing. Sweat dripping. Time ticking. It is me against the clock, and this time, I am not going to let the clock win. 

My life has changed dramatically since the beginning of this semester in school; my fall semester of my sophomore year of college. Before the start of this semester, I made the decision to quit running competitively, because God was calling my heart to be actively engaged in other areas of campus life. Through a series of long conversations, hours of prayer, encouragement and advice from those that are much more wise than I, I came to my decision. Through the process, many tears were shed, tears of sorrow, tears of relief, tears of pain and tears of joy, but one thing remained constant throughout this entire decision-making process, and that was the Sovereignty of God, and His great love for me. 

Running has been a part of my life for the past 7 years, and to be honest, it defined more of me than I thought, and this became evident to me this past summer. 7 years ago I decided to start running, solely because I felt like the outcast of my family since every other family member was a runner. To my incredible surprise, I fell in love with this beautiful sport. Over the course of the last 7 years, running has become more and more important to me, and my passion to run fast really peaked my senior year of high school when I was able to work out health complications that I had been dealing with for the previous 5 years, and I was able to run to my full potential. There is just something so powerful about getting your body to move at a pace that seems incredibly impossible. The way my legs could propel the rest of my body forward, so quickly, yet so smoothly, was just captivating. 

This past spring, spring of 2014, the Lord began to impress upon my heart the importance of relationships, outreach, serving and fellowship, and at first I did not know what to do with these messages He was sending me. In March I went on a spring break mission trip to Hamtramck, MI with a group of 16 other SAU students, and to my surprise, the Lord changed my heart and used that trip and that team to impact me in a way that would truly change my life forever. The Lord opened up doors to serve in ways I had never served before. The Lord opened up conversations with people I had never gotten the opportunity to talk to on campus because I was consumed with other things, and the Lord opened up doors leading to opportunities to get involved in other areas of campus, besides being on a sports team.

When I got back from my trip, the thought crossed my mind, "What would it be like if I didn't run competitively anymore?" "I could do so many other things." For awhile, I wrestled with this thought, and prayed about this thought, and as I did, it became more than a thought, but something I truly felt the Lord impressing upon my heart, something that required discernment. 

When summer came around, I had decided to push the thought away, and continue on my journey as a collegiate athlete, but as I pushed that thought further and further away, things began to change. I was not running well. My body hurt, my iron sank, my ambition was gone, and I began to hate something I loved. I didn't understand why this was all happening, but I knew one thing for sure, and that was that I did NOT want to begin to hate something that I loved; something that brought me so much peace and joy, and that was exactly what was beginning to happen. I struggled with the reason why this might be happening, but then the thought about deciding to quit the team and get involved in other areas of campus creeped back into my head and heart. 

It seemed like an eternity went by before I could figure out what the Lord was trying to show me, and even when I thought I had figured out what I needed to do, I still had my doubts. I knew that regardless of the choice I made, the Lord would still use that choice to further His kingdom here on earth, as long as I was willing to let Him use me, but the thought of giving up something I loved so much was terrifying. Long story short, I decided to quit the team and pursue other areas of involvement on campus, and my decision has only allowed God to open so many doors, and I feel so incredibly thankful for the way in which the Lord has blessed my decision. 

Although I have been extremely blessed, there are parts of competing that I truly miss. I miss getting my spikes on and going up to that start line. I miss rounding the last turn and heading into the straight away, hearing the claps, cheers and screams of teammates, parents and coaches as I kick it in to the finish. I miss being surrounded by an incredible group of Godly women, who became my family, on a daily basis, and I miss being able to run fast. 

Since deciding not to compete this year, my body has been rejuvenated, my health is great, and I am running further than ever before, but there was this longing inside of me to run fast again, and without the proper training of speed workouts, and people to push me and encourage me in those workouts, the fear of never running fast again really settled into my heart, so very heavily. 

A few weeks back, my fear was so great, because I had been running every single day, but had given my body a significant break by training at a slower pace. I hadn't done a speed workout in quite sometime, but the longing to run fast was so strong, I just had to go out and see what I could do. 

As I was running, I decided to start off at a quicker-than-normal pace, and then try and pick it up every single mile for 6 miles. As I took off, I prayed and invited God along every step of my run. When I hit my first mile, I looked down at my watch which read 7:30 for the first mile... not to bad! I kept going, and with each mile, the time just kept decreasing, yet the fatigue and hardship kept increasing. When I had completed my run, I looked back on each mile, and realized that I indeed ran each mile faster than the previous, and in the excitement of the moment, I blurted aloud, "OH MY GOSH! I AM RUNNING FAST AGAIN!!!" 

In times of excitement, enjoyment and success, I often find it easy to disregard who I owe that success to, and that is the Lord, but in this moment, I immediately felt the nudge to pray and thank the Lord for the opportunity to run fast again-- despite the slower training pace. I had been giving my body the rest it needed, and the Lord honored that rest, and my obedience to follow His prompting to make a decision about running competitively by allowing me to experience running fast again. As I began to pray and thank the Lord, the first words that came to my mind were this:

It is not always easy. To be successful and achieve goals, requires hard work, but how much greater the appreciation of that success is when we have to work so very hard to earn it! How much more thankful was I to be able to run fast, knowing that I had to push through so many pains to experience that success again. How much more thankful was I to be able to run fast when I realized that even though my legs were trembling, and my heart was racing, and my mind was telling me to quit, the Lord delivered me, and gave me the strength to push my body to go beyond its physical limits, and experience a thrill so incredible! 

So what is my point? My point is that we as human beings desire to be successful, and to indulge in the feeling that success brings, but we often take that success for granted, especially when we do not have to work hard to earn it. However, in life, there is sure to be a choice to make or a tough situation to face, and pain is often inevitable, but when your legs are giving out, or your head is telling you to give up, remember that you have a Rock and Redeemer who is ready and willing to deliver you through that pain and suffering and lead you to success, as long as you cling to Him with all your might. Pain doesn't make things easier, that is for sure, but it definitely makes you stronger, and it definitely makes you appreciate your successes. When the race gets tough, keep your eyes up, and know that the finish line will eventually be in sight, but until that moment, rejoice in the pain, and push through it, because embracing that pain can reap the most beautiful rewards, and it truly allows you to cultivate a thankful heart and incredible sense of gratitude for the successes and achievements the Lord blesses you with. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

You Don't Have To Try So Hard...

So, No Makeup November is underway, and we are now at the end of day number two. The first two days have not been too hard yet, probably because I have been home this weekend, off campus, and around my family, who sees me without makeup all the time. However, the temptation has already creeped in ever so slightly, and I am expecting it to get much worse as I am back on campus and around my peers.

When I was in church this morning, I was around people who are practically my family, and who I have been around for a very long time, but regardless, the thought did cross my mind, "I wonder what people are thinking?" "Are people looking at me differently?" and for a moment the ever-so-soft voice of temptation whispered in my ear, "Come on, even just one little stroke of mascara wouldn't be that noticeable, and you would feel a little bit better" but as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I did my best to remind me of the reason I decided to participate in this event in the first place, and that is to find my full confidence in Christ, and nothing else, not even a simple swipe of mascara. 

What would a journey of growth be without inviting someone along for the ride to grow with you? I mean, in all honesty, we are called to walk this life together; we are not meant to be alone. I like to share the journey that I am on, because I hope and pray that it will encourage others to step out in faith as well. I also like sharing the journey I am on, because I think it is so important for people to see that I struggle. I mess up. I am tempted. I am no where near perfect. Going on a journey, of any sort, requires a leap of faith, and struggles are promised, but it is through that adversity that I think God draws the nearest to me and impresses the deepest truths upon my heart, including the concept of confidence. There are times when you may fail, but you are forgiven and you are loved by an almighty God who is so proud of you for stepping out in faith and simply saying yes to the journey ahead. You are enough, even when the world tells you otherwise. You do not have to please those around you, you only need to worry about pleasing the Father above. You do not have to sift through the struggles of this world to find where you "fit in" or "belong" because you already have a perfect spot in the Kingdom of Christ, and all you have to do is say "Yes." You don't have to experiment with the things of this world, or do what others say will make you feel satisfied; you do not have to disrespect your body, your mind or your heart to fit in with others; you do not have to believe the lies that this world throws at you about what it takes to be beautiful or worth something; You DON'T have to try so hard.

My "theme song" of the month is "Try" by Colbie Caillat. The lyrics of this song are a beautiful message of hope, encouragement and empowerment to women of all ages who are struggling with finding confidence, and seeking it in all the wrong ways. Take a breath, relax, listen to the lyrics, watch the video, and grab your tissues. You don't have to try so hard. You are enough, and you were created just as you are, for a specific purpose, and you are loved by the Heavenly Father to a capacity that is truly beyond all human comprehension. You don't have to try so hard; feel the grip that this world has on you physically be released, and embrace the heart of the Father.

"Take your makeup off,

Let your hair down,

Take a breath,

Look into the mirror at yourself,

don't you like you?

Cause I like you!" ... and so does the Father. 

November Already?!

Wow! Where does time go? There is only one day of the month left! October is here and gone, and that means that No Makeup November is here!

Three years ago, I was thinking about No Shave November, and how guys were always in this epic battle to see who could grow the biggest, most prestige beard, and I thought to myself, why don't women participate in some sort of festivity for the month of November? And there the idea came... no makeup November. While many men do participate in No Shave November to raise money or awareness for very good causes, like testicular cancer research, I wanted to do something that would raise awareness of the struggle that women face in the world today to be all that magazines, movies and media make them believe they need to be. I wanted to do something that would raise awareness of this battle that women are facing day in and day out to try and be all that the world is telling them they need to be in order to fit in and feel satisfied, even to the point of self degradation, starvation and humiliation. 

The point of No Makeup November is to allow women to feel empowered, and not by covering themselves up with makeup, but by the power of the Holy Spirit and the knowledge that they have a loving Father who has created them just as they are, beautiful and unique, with a specific purpose and role in this life. I want women to know that they are enough just as they are. The struggle is all too real for women, and often times, I think this statement is deemed cliche, but it is so incredibly true. The image that the world paints of what a woman should look like is so distorted, and for lack of better words, ridiculously messed up, and my heart desires, even painfully yearns for truth to be spoken into the lives and hearts of women who are battling this struggle. God has created you, yes YOU, with great detail and careful and perfect planning, and you are beautiful, strong, important, cared for and loved by a good God who is so incredibly happy to call you HIS child. 

This year, No Makeup November will look a lot different for me. When I first started participating in No Makeup November, I decided that I would take baby steps, and I would start off by just reducing the amount of makeup I wore. For years one and two, I decided to wear only light skin makeup and a layer of mascara, since I usually wore eyeliner and such. Year three came, and I decided to get rid of the skin makeup, and just go for the thin layer of mascara. Year three transformed my perception of how I saw myself, and the Lord allowed me to see myself the way that He does, and since last November, I haven't really worn eyeliner, and on rare occasions when I have, I have felt uncomfortable and not myself.  God is showing me that I can be confident in who I am, even my light-makeup-wearing self. So, this year, for No Makeup November 2014, I am all in. I am all in in my commitment to wear absolutely no makeup for one whole month. I am all in in my commitment to seek my identity and confidence in Christ alone. I am all in in my commitment to posting encouraging notes to other women who are going to step into this journey with me. I am all in in my commitment to praying for the women of this world who are struggling with image, and finding their confidence in Christ alone. I commit to praying for those women who have been abused, abandoned, taken advantage of, and looking for hope and restoration. I commit to embracing the inner beauty that I fully believe God has instilled within me, and I commit to helping other women discover that beauty.

This past year has been an incredible learning experience for me, regarding how I choose to identify myself, how I choose to view myself, and how I choose to respond to my thoughts. This has been a year of learning how to look into the mirror and embrace what I see, and thank God for the way I am, every crooked tooth, blemish on my skin and curve on my body. This past year has taught me so much about the Lord's heart and how much he loves and cares for me, that he must be weeping every time I think or talk poorly of myself, because I am degrading the incredibly articulate masterpiece that He took so much time, energy and care in creating. 

This year, I am embracing the beauty of simplicity, and I am choosing to allow the power of Christ to fill me with the confidence I need to defeat the lies that this world is trying to throw at me. The choice is yours, ladies... will you join me? If so, I would love to be praying for you, and I would love to encourage you, so please do not hesitate to let me know that you are joining in! We are a support system, and two is always better than one! Happy No Makeup November!! 

The Escape from Negative Nancy

So, no offense if your name is Nancy; I mean, I'm sure not all people named Nancy are negative, in fact I know a couple of Nancys and they are all pretty happy people, haha. Anyway, I was reading my morning devo the other day, and the whole passage was about living life with a negative attitude. As I was reading, I seriously could just feel the conviction load pressing down on me like a physical weight. 

The dictionary defines Negativity as this:

harmful or bad; not wanted

thinking about the bad qualities of someone or something; thinking that a bad result will happen; not hopeful or optimistic

As I read those definitions, the idea of living a negative lifestyle has become even more convicting. Sometimes when I think of negativity, I just think about having a pessimistic outlook on situations, but I don't necessarily think about how it can effect the way I think about someone, or even myself. How many times a day do you catch yourself thinking a negative thought without even realizing you are even really doing it, and before you know it, the thought process is complete, and that negative thought is already stuck in your head? How many times a day do you catch yourself thinking, "Wow, you know Shirley is really looking like a frumpy mess today." Or, "I bet Robert didn't get that work done that he was supposed to. If that were me, I would've had it done a week ago." I am guilty of it, and I will be the first to admit it. Because of Satan's presence in this world, there has been this sick, twisted, mind game that has been created in which the goal of the game, or in order to come out on top, you have to be better than everyone around you, and the way that you are able to do that is by thinking negatively towards others. You know, making others look and sound bad in your mind, all the while giving yourself an ego boost that is capable of defying the concept of humility and allowing your mind to let you believe that you have come out on top. You begin to feel like you are winning, only to shortly discover that, you, in fact, are a loser. Ever been in that boat? I have. Thinking negatively about others doesn't make you a winner. It doesn't make you any better than anyone else. I have found that I often think negatively of others when I am lacking confidence myself. Again, a sick, twisted way of thinking due to Satan being an active force in this world. The thing is though, that we are all a part of the body of Christ. So what if Joe isn't great at a specific task, the beautiful thing is is that someone is. And where others can't do something, Joe can. 1 Corinthians says this: 12 Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For we were all baptized by[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 14 Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

I love this verse, because it humbles me when I begin to think negatively about someone. It reminds me that I am not superwoman, or even close for that matter. It reminds me that there is not anyone who is good at everything, rather each person is uniquely gifted by the Spirit, and when we bring our gifts together, we make up the body of Christ, and we are unstoppable!

Besides thinking negatively about others, this idea of living in negativity also struck a chord in my heart as I reflected upon my mindset each day. I don't typically wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, devoting the day to positive thinking and happy thoughts, but in reality, I really should. I am the type of person that often thinks of the worse case scenario, long before anything happens, and in most cases, nothing even does happen. I often think negatively about things I do, what others are thinking about me, etc. and to be honest, a negative mind is the ultimate joy-sucker. I often think negative thoughts to save myself from the hurt of being disappointed when something doest go the way I had hoped, or when things don't work out, but that is such a mistake. My morning devo is a book called "The Confident Woman Devotional" by Joyce Meyer, and on negativity, she says this, "Fear is the darkroom where all your negatives are developed, so why not look at the brighter side of life? Why not believe something good is going to happen to you? If you think you are protecting yourself from being disappointed by not expecting anything good, you are mistaken. You are living in disappointment if you are doing that." The thing is, the Lord wants to bless us. He wants good things for us! That is not to say that we won't face trials, and that is not to say that we won't ever be disappointed by certain outcomes or scenarios, but we were not created with the purpose of living each day thinking the worst is going to happen, and if it doesn't, well then we got lucky but we were prepared for the worst. We are told in Jeremiah 29 that the Lord has plans for us. He has plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future. Those words are not simply words written on a page, but they are a promise from the Lord. Why worry and think negatively about each day, when we know for a fact that despite the struggles we may go through, in the end, we will be blessed? Why think of the worst outcomes, when we know that the Lord wants good things for us? If the Lord has promised it, then why not take time to expect good things to happen?

So, what's next? Well, my goal is this: to wake up each morning with a smile on my face, expecting good things to happen and intentionally seeking out the positives in people. Acknowledging the unique gifts each person has been blessed with by the spirit, and rejoicing in the promise that God wants good things for me, and for His kingdom. Be intentional about being a glass half-full type person. Don't allow negativity to steal your joy, because a negative mindset isn't saving you from anything, but the positive promises from the Lord to bless you and allow good things is. Take that promise, ponder it, store it in your mind, and run with it! Expect good things to happen, and rejoice and thank the Lord when they do!

Wishing you a positively blessed week!

Go to Hell Satan...

So at first glance, you may be thinking, "Wow, what the heck is that all about?" or maybe, "Watch your language!" anyway, regardless of what your thought was I got your attention didn't I?? Haha. Anyway, those words, "Go to Hell Satan", I sure do mean them when I say them. It would probably help just a tad bit if I gave you some context, right? Well here it is:

Wednesday July 2, 2014 Vacation to Richmond, VA:

I had spent the day touring two incredible plantations with my aunt, uncle and mom. I had had a great day going through some of Richmond's history, something I really like doing, and to top the day off, I was going out to dinner to a new African restaurant, local to Richmond, with my mom, aunt and uncle. While waiting for our weird African dishes at the restaurant (like seriously weird, fish sauce and all...) somehow the conversation began to shift to talking about working out, healthy diets, weight loss, weight gain, etc. Right off the bat... not a good conversation for me. Like someone starts talking diet, exercise, or whatever related to that, my mind immediately starts jumping to self-critique mode. Anyway, my uncle made a comment to me, and all he said was, "I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but you look good, you look like you've filled out". Great compliment for any girl... but for me... not so much. From that very second, my confidence, my attitude and my mood were shot down the rest of the night, and everyone noticed. Later that evening, back at the house, I was upstairs sitting on my bed, and my mom came up and asked me what was wrong. Of course, I didn't feel like talking about anything, so with a typical female response, I just said, "Nothing", and of course I was lying, and my mom saw right through it. My mom, slightly angrily, said, "Well something is wrong, because  ever since Uncle Bob made that comment you have been in a bad mood, and everyone has noticed.

*Disclaimer* Before you continue reading, know that this part is real. It is raw. It is true. It is my thoughts. It is a real life struggle. It is personal. So continue as you wish!

I bursted into tears. I sobbed and sobbed and tried to make the words come out. They slowly made there way out of my mouth... "Mom, I'm literally sick. My mind is so messed up. I never feel thin enough. I always look in the mirror and I see a cow. I know I am not unhealthy. I know I am not fat, and when I see incredibly skinny women, I see how unhealthy they look, and must feel, and I don't want to look that way, but for some reason my mind makes me think that I have to be that skinny. I don't know why! I hate thinking and feeling the way I do. I don't want to feel this way." I could see the tears form in my moms eyes, and I could tell that she was speechless. She didn't know what to say, and I don't blame her, because how could it be easy to hear your very own child speak that way of themselves. How easy could it be for a mother to sit there and listen to her daughter talk about how much she dislikes herself, how much she is lacking in self-confidence? Well I can guarantee it is not easy at all. My mom left the room, and I was shocked for a moment that she would leave when I was in this state, but she did the right thing.  My poor mother, bless her heart, I knew she didn't know what to say, but she did the best thing she could have, and she talked to my aunt.

My aunt... what can I say to provide the slightest insight into my aunt's wisdom, compassion and love? Somehow, even though we are ten hours apart, she always knows just what to say. My aunt came up to the bedroom and sat with me on the bed. She didn't come in and hug me. She didn't come in and immediately comfort me. She didn't tell me that I am beautiful, and how could I possibly think the way I do? For a minute she said nothing. For a minute she sat in silence, and she waited. Maybe it wasn't on purpose, or maybe it was, but for that moment of silence, my mind was running a million miles an hour, but then the words just came out like word vomit. I told her about how every time I look in the mirror, I see a cow. I told her about how my senior year of high school, I literally counted exactly how many calories I consumed each day so that I knew how many I had to burn off so everything cancelled out, which meant I was getting no nutrients at all. I told her about how I lost about 15 pounds last summer into the beginning of my college career, and I told her how sick I felt, but I was so happy with myself when I looked in the mirror because I finally looked in the mirror and saw skinny. I told her everything. The thoughts I have had for the past several years, the thoughts that I have on a consistent basis, the lies I allow myself to believe, the criticisms I place on myself, they all came out... and boy did it feel good. I hadn't even gotten into any of my aunt's incredible wisdom yet... just the mere confession of the state of my mind and confidence had already made me feel so much better. I had never really talked to anyone much about this struggle. After I was done vomiting out words, my aunt finally got a chance to speak. She said this, "You know, next time you look in the mirror and those thoughts begin to come to your mind, you need to recognize that those thoughts and feelings are coming from Satan and they are not the truth. You need to recognize that it is Satan, and then you need to say, 'Go back to hell Satan.' Just tell him to go back to hell." What simple words. What powerful words. HOLY CRAP! You mean to tell me that I, a 19-year-old girl who is weak and struggles with so much, has the power to tell Satan to go to hell! How incredibly cool is that?!?!? That is literally all it took for my aunt to say to me, and my mind, heart and mood immediately flipped! She was so right! We continued to talk a little bit, and laugh joke, and boy did it feel good. I appreciate my aunt so much. She didn't come up to the bedroom to yell at me. She didn't tell me how wrong I was for thinking those thoughts. She didn't tell me I was weak for struggling with something like image. She didn't come up to scold me about my previous eating choices. She came up to tell me that I have power because I have Christ. She came up to encourage me to use that power and tell Satan to go back to hell.

What strikes my heart to the very core is this: I am not perfect because I am in Christ. Would I like to be? Absolutely 100% yes. I would love to be able to say that I am perfect, and living a perfect life for Christ, but because of satan's grips, I'm not. I struggle. There are many things I struggle with, and eating and image has been one of those things for years now. But despite this struggle, this huge struggle that has literally captivated the attention of so much of my life, the Lord is SO faithful. It may have taken 7 years to figure it out. 7 years of agonizing thoughts and feelings, a hateful outlook of myself, quite a few moments of having a hungry stomach, but the Lord used my aunt in an incredible way. He used her to show me that even though I struggle, I am still powerful because I can call on His power! I can call on the power of Jesus, and that is plenty of power to empower me to tell Satan to go to hell.

The next morning, I woke up, went into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and laughed and cried tears of joy. For the first time in many years, I looked into the mirror and was able to know what it felt like to love myself. I said out loud, "You're beautiful, Lindsey." and I said it out loud with no shame. I didn't care if someone heard me. So what, I'm talking to myself! Well newsflash, we are all a little strange and have our quirks! But when I said that aloud, it felt as though it was the voice of God speaking through me, vocally, to myself! I was so comforted. I am healthy. I run everyday. I eat healthy, but I love me some chocolate every now and then... I mean what girl doesn't, right? Haha. I have curves. I have a butt. I'm tall, and I'm built, but most importantly, I am beautiful because the Lord has taken time and energy to make me in such  specific and special way. I often wonder if when I think awful thoughts about myself and how I look, if Jesus weeps a bit. I mean, He took so much time and energy and paid so close attention to detail when creating me, and He thinks of me as His masterpiece. It has to make Him sad when I degrade His incredible artwork. It's just like when you take time to make a beautiful, homemade, hand-crafted cupcake (well I guess in my case cupcakes, but you get the idea), and someone says they hate it. I would feel SO upset! I would probably weep and that's just over a dumb cupcake! I am beautiful because the Good Lord made me, and He created me in His image!

In closing, I want all of you to know that EVERYONE struggles. If someone tells you that they have not one single struggle... well, they are lying. Even the people who look they have everything together so well, they struggle. When sin entered this world, it was made known that it would effect each and every one of us, and it does. But, fear not! The Lord is SO SO SO faithful, and because of the sacrifice He made for YOU, yes YOU, on the cross, you can be empowered by His power to tell Satan and his evil sin to GO TO HELL!

For those of you who have dealt with the same struggle I did for so many years, whether you are a guy or a girl, I would love to chat, and above all, I would LOVE to pray for you, because whether or not you can see it yet, you really are beautiful, and there is a way out of this struggle.

"You are all together beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7

*A special thanks to my beautiful aunt for sharing her wisdom with me, and truly being the hands and feet of Christ just by taking the time to talk with me and love on me, just as Christ would. I love you Aunt Vicky.

7 Fast 7 Foods: Day 9

So I know I just posted yesterday about what day 7 was like, on day 8, but today, on day 9, I would really like to share what yesterday afternoon and evening looked like for me.

The morning of day 8 was good. I had my shake, I got to babysit, I got to go for a run with my dad; many things that were able to keep my mind of food and focused on so many other things. The day was looking great, and then dinner time came... a fish fry at the grandparents house. The whole family was there, and as we sat down to eat, the spread of the fish fry was placed right in front of me. I took the lid off my salad container, looked down at it, and suddenly became bitter. I began to feel sorry for myself. In my mind I was thinking, "This SUCKS! I just want to eat what my family is eating, it smells SO good, and looks SO good. Why am I even doing this?!" Anyway, somehow I managed to get through dinner without caving, although with a bitter attitude.

When I got back home, I ran over to a friends house with my mom to drop something off, and while we were out I told her that tonight, I truly am hungry. This is my first week back of training for cross country after taking a week off last week to cross train, so with the run I went on yesterday, and two walks, the calories just didn't seem to be satisfying me. I asked her what to do because at night time I don't really have the desire to eat a piece of chicken, a sweet potato, another apple (after 4 already), an egg, or more greek yogurt, and I definitely didn't want to go munch on a handful of plain spinach. She looked empathetically at me and said, "I don't know honey, are you gonna quit?" I immediately responded no, and then I asked this, "Well, do you think it's okay if I have a plain cup of frozen yogurt from Scoops (the ice cream place I work at), I mean it's just plain vanilla like my greek yogurt and thats all it is is frozen yogurt?" My mom was kind and just concerned for my hunger, and said I don't think it's bad, so she offered to take me there. I said okay, and when we were about to pull in, I realized how long the drive thru and the outside window lines were, and I just decided to go home.

When we got home, I was about to go take a shower when my mom asked me what size yogurt I wanted. She was going to walk over and wait in the line for me. While I appreciate her concern and sacrifice, I am thankful that I convinced her not to go. As I turned away and walked to my bedroom, I fell to my knees and began to pray... and I wept. I prayed for the Lord to satisfy my hunger, but I thanked the Lord. This is what I want. This is the point. This is what I am longing for. I WANT TO FEEL HUNGRY! The Lord allowed that to happen, and He also provided me with complete fulfillment and satisfaction last night as I was on my knees praying and crying out to Him. He drew so near to me. I prayed, and as I prayed, I thought about how incredible it was that the Lord provided a way out of temptation just by providing an incredibly busy line at Scoops that discouraged me from getting that frozen yogurt, because if it weren't for that line, I would've went. I wept and wept, and as I thought about all of the hungry people in the world, not only physically hungry, but SO spiritually starved as well, I began to repent for even thinking about trying to make accommodations to the fast to make it easier on myself. The thing I realized is this, that if I would've made that accommodation, it would've maybe satisfied me for about an hour, but ultimately, I would still be hungry because NOTHING can satisfy me and fill me up like the Lord can.

So today, on day 9 of the fast, I went out for a run this morning, and while I was running, I heard so many songs that just hit me so hard in the heart, one of them being "The Motions" by Matthew West. There was one particular line of the song, that you may not really catch if you aren't really paying a whole lot of attention, but it was the exact message that I knew the Lord wanted me to hear, and in that little tiny line of the bridge that clearly states "Take me all the way" it says this, "I'm finally feeling something real." That is me! That is what the Lord is blessing me with! With sacrifice, He is allowing me to feel something REAL! This isn't just some feeling that comes and lasts a day and then I'm over it. The feelings I am experiencing are so raw and real, and what else can I say but THANK YOU to the greatest Lord and Savior who is blessing me so incredibly by taking me all the way and allowing me to feel something real so that I can go beyond myself, and experience a deep care and compassion for the people and things that truly matter. He is shifting my focus and turning my heart and eyes to the things that He has His focus on, and I am so thankful. So although I am so incredibly weepy (although I seem to have ran out of tears for how many I have cried since last night), I am so incredibly joyful for the Lord's faithfulness. He is SO faithful. Have a blessed day! 

7 Fast 7 Foods: Day 8

Well, today is day 8 of the fast, and so far I am doing fine today, but let me just be honest... the struggle was real yesterday. I had my breakfast shake yesterday, went to church, was fine and satisfied for the morning, and then the hunger struck. For some reason, I always seem to be starving after church on Sundays. I don't know what it is, but something about praisin' Jesus always makes me hungry! Anyway, I knew yesterday was going to be a battle because my mom had asked me to attend two graduation parties with her before I went into work. Before we headed out, I made my spinach, chicken, egg and apple salad, and took my container along with me. 

Party one. We arrived early because my mom had volunteered to bring food to the party, so upon arriving, food was being brought out on trays and in bowls, and man did it look good. Giant fruit salads, big bowls of every salad you could imagine, homemade mac and cheese, sugar cookies from a bakery, everything delicious! Everything smelled SO good! To me, everything smells that much better when I am hungry. Like food usually always smells good, but when I am hungry, man it just smells absolutely delightful, and so much more enticing! As tempting as the smells were, I was able to hold out until I got in the car to leave, and fortunately the good Lord had my back, and my salad was satisfying enough to defeat the temptation. Party one... check!

Party two. Most Christians say that Satan becomes strongest when we are drawing closest to the Lord and trying to do our absolute best to seek after the Lord and what He has planned for us. I have to say... I couldn't agree more. As I am participating in this fast, I am not merely doing it just to do it, and just to realize how fortunate I am to have such incredible meals every day and experience an increased appreciation for the food I eat each day, or to experience what it feels like to be hungry, or what it is slightly like for someone who doesn't have the food options that I do, but I am doing it to break myself down. I want to break down my dependence so that all I have left to depend on is the Lord. It may sound silly, but I depend on food, and whether or not you want to admit it, you probably do to. That is not to slam anyone, by any means, it is just the absolute truth. Until you take most of it away, you don't realize how much you depend on something. Its like taking away a pacifier from a baby. It is like a security blanket that we run to because we know it is always there. Well this, for me, has become a problem, because I have come to the realization that God wants to be my security blanket. Even though I think those other things are always there and I can depend on them, truth is, they may not be one time. What the Lord gives, He can also take away, but one thing He won't take away is His presence in our lives, and that is the ultimate security blanket. The Lord is teaching me that He wants me to depend on Him alone and nothing else, and this fast is truly helping me to figure that out. Anyway, going back to the party. So, my mom and I arrive at party two to find out that it is being catered by a local barbecue joint... ARE YA KIDDIN' ME?!?!!? Seriously, Satan was gettin' his boxing gloves on and he was prepared to fight, because barbecue is my ALL TIME favorite type of food. Pulled pork, barbecue chicken, baked beans, corn bread, OH MY GOSH! So delicious! The smells were incredible, and I hadn't had barbecue in a very long time, and suddenly the salad didn't seem to feel so satisfying anymore. 

As I looked around at all the people with their heaping plates of food, just chowing down, I struggled. I knew I wasn't hungry, but you know that feeling you get when you're not necessarily hungry, but see something you love and begin to crave it and your stomach begins to sound like a groaning cow? Well, that's how my stomach felt. I wanted that food so bad. The real struggle came when a couple of people asked me why I wasn't eating anything. Let me tell you, when you are hungry, and when there is your FAVORITE food sitting right in front of you being all tempting and stuff, it is extremely hard to clear your mind and heart and humbly explain the reason as to why you're not eating. Throughout this journey so far, the Lord has also taught me a lot about humility. I think it is SO incredibly easy to get caught up in pride and be boastful when fasting, because it is something that requires self-discipline, but the key to that self-discipline is the reliance on the Lord. That is the catch right there. When I catch myself being boastful or caught up in my own pride about participating in a 7 month long fast, God quickly reminds me that this is not about me, and all of the self-discipline I have comes from Him, because there is NO way I could do it on my own. Self-discipline for 7 months requires a power much greater than any power I will EVER have, and the Lord has shown me that so very clearly. So, with the help of the good Lord, I was able to defeat temptation of my ALL TIME FAVORITE food, and present the fast in a way that will glorify the Lord, and hopefully at least encourage others to think about trying something similar. 

So, as I embrace day 8 and enjoy reflecting upon what the Lord taught me on day 7, I write with a thankful and humble heart. The Lord is SO very faithful. You will most likely see that line in every single one of my posts, because when all other words fail to get the message across, that message and truth will always remain. The Lord is SO very faithful. Have a wonderful day and incredibly blessed week!

7 Fast 7 Foods: Day 6

So... Today is day 6 of a full month of only eating 7 foods. I started on June 2nd because I ran a half marathon on June 1st and needed some carbs to sustain me for race day. Anyway, I haven't really posted anything yet about the fast because, well in all honesty the first 2-3 days were a breeze. I love herbal life shakes, I love sweet potatoes, I love apples, I love chicken, I like eggs and spinach, and I love greek yogurt. It wasn't honestly until yesterday, day 5 that I begin to truly struggle. My day started off fine, I did my regular routine of waking up at 5:50am, grabbed my Bible, did some reading and then headed into work at 6:30am. I had my morning herbal life shake for breakfast at work, and then I worked out when I got off at 9:30am. After working out I had an apple for a little snack to hold me over until lunch, and then I had to run some errands with my mom. No big deal, right? Well... we had to run errands at COSTCO. COSTCO!!!! Of all places!! Really?!!?! I love Costco, not just because of the genuinely happy, caring and considerate working staff, but because every which way you turn they are giving out samples of something fabulous! As soon as we walked in, the aromas of food were flying everywhere and my nostrils were going insane. I think I probably looked like and idiot because I was inhaling the smells so deeply, there was definitely some physical movement. My mom and I got our shopping done, and it wasn't too bad. One lady was giving out pie samples, which I don't really eat anyway, so we were good there. One man was handing out some weird pork thing, not a huge fan, so we were good there too. One lady was handing out iced tea, which I wasn't thirsty, so I passed right on by that, and then... we got to the dark chocolate covered coconut chunks... I don't know if y'all have had these, but HOLY NUGGETS! They are FANTASTIC! Seriously, I would never buy them because they would be gone within two sittings in my house. The hard part of the coconut chunks is this... Chelsea (my sister) is dating a guy who's mom works at Costco, and how lucky, she was the one handing out the coconut chunks. So, here she is combining 4-5 of the sample cups into one and handing them over to us, and all I could do was try and not salivate like a dog. It was hard!! But, with a little in-my-head prayer and a deep breath, I walked on by and was able to make it home without caving.

When I got home, I was hungry. It was around 1:30, and I hadn't eaten for awhile, and I was ready for some lunch. I got out a plate, and was getting ready to make my spinach, chicken, egg and apple salad, and as I began pulling out the ingredients, I started to become extremely nauseated and felt like I was going to barf. My mom looked at me and asked me if I was okay, and when I told her I felt nauseated, she even said I looked pale and like I was ready to throw up. So, I put my plate back and sat on the couch for a couple of minutes. It wasn't that I was necessarily tired of the food, I think it was definitely Satan trying to get in my way and get me off track. I kept thinking mmmm, something neutral like pretzels sounds great, and that is exactly what Satan wanted me to start thinking, but before I had too much time to think about other foods, I hopped in the car and got an herbal life shake, one of my 7 foods, for lunch. I am allowing myself one herbal life shake per day, but yesterday, I did have two, because I didn't want to get sick before heading right to work. Fortunately, by dinner time, I was able to eat my chicken, sweet potato and apple with no problems.

After work last night, I got off around 10, I came home, and realized I was out of greek yogurt. Greek yogurt is my evening snack (I am also only allowing myself to have one serving of that per day). So, instead, I settled for my fourth apple of the day. One thing about apples, I don't know if you know this or not, but they make you even more hungry when you eat them by themselves! Something about the digestion process, or whatever the heck it is, anyway, they can make you hungry! Needless to say, I was hungry when I went to bed last night. Last night was truly the first time that I genuinely felt hungry, and not satisfied, but as I began to complain to my mom, I began to feel this deep conviction. Why am I complaining about hunger, this is exactly what I was longing for to happen! I needed to be hungry. I needed to feel unsatisfied so that the only thing left to satisfy me was Jesus!! After work last night, I did sit in our hot tub for a little bit, and as I looked up at the stars, I began singing worship songs. Certain songs just came passing through my head, and as they did, I sang them aloud softly (I didn't want the neighbors to think I was too much of a freak). As I looked up at the beautiful, clear night sky and saw the stars and sang worship songs, I began to feel satisfied. I began to feel fulfilled. I began to feel sympathetic, not for myself, but for people who are hungry every single day, and even worse than I had felt. I began to feel extremely empathetic when I prayed for those children, moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. who were going on day number 3 without any food. I prayed and thanked the Lord for allowing me to feel hungry, so that I could experience, only so very slightly, the way that those people feel on a daily basis.

The Lord is faithful, and He is already teaching me and showing me that less is more. He is already allowing me to focus on so many more important things as I take my focus off of food. I love food, I always have (ask my family, I was an incredibly fat child), and I love to cook and experiment and try new things, and this love of food truly does cloud my vision from being able to look at other things. It may seem silly that food can take up so much of our focus, but it truly is elaborate, and when you take time to really simplify it, you realize how much of our focus really does go to our meals and snacks. Today, I am so thankful for what the Lord is teaching me. I am so thankful that He has allowed me to experience hunger. I am so thankful that He has helped me defeat every craving, every temptation, and every instance of anger that I have experienced when I cannot eat what I want. This first 6 days really haven't been easy, I will not say that have been at all, but what I will say is that they have been EXTREMELY worth it, and I would recommend this fast to anyone looking to feel more satisfied and fulfilled, because when there is nothing left of anything else, Jesus is ALWAYS there, and there is ALWAYS enough of Him.

The Seven Fast

Seven months of fasting... sounds crazy right? Well, it isn't just a fast from food, it is a fast from seven different things that we, typical Americans, tend to have in excess in our lives. What does sound crazy is that I have food galore in my house and complain about not being able to find anything to eat. What does sound crazy is that I have a closet FULL of clothes, yet I complain about not having anything to wear. What does sound crazy is that I can spend money on this, that and the other thing, but I can't "afford" to donate a dollar here and there to someone who is just longing for a meal. What does sound crazy is that my life is so full of excess EVERYTHING, that I have allowed it to possess my mind in the most disgusting and embarrassing way (for lack of better words). I have become numb to the need surrounding me, numb to the idea that the Lord has called me to be a giver, numb to the idea that I am not meant to be served, but to serve, numb to the idea that less is indeed more, and I want to get back to a full understanding of that. For seven months, I will be embarking on a journey that is expected to be eye-opening and life-changing, but with that realization and life change, I am quite positive I should be expecting quite a challenge. I am nervous, excited, eager, and ready for this challenge of this sacrifice. In Jen Hatmaker's book "7" she states:

“If a fast doesn't include any sacrifices, then it's not a fast. The discomfort is where the magic happens. Life zips along, unchecked and automatic. We default to our lifestyles, enjoying our privileges tra la la, but a fast interrupts that rote trajectory. Jesus gets a fresh platform in the empty space where indulgence resided.” 

Im ready for less of everything, and more of Jesus! Let the fast BEGIN!

It DOESN'T matter!!!

Well, I was sitting here reading a book by Joyce Meyer tonight called "Making Good Habits Breaking Bad Habits", and the book goes through 14 different behaviors that are supposed to aid in creating healthy habits, and breaking those habits we aren't so proud to admit that we have. Tonight, I was on behavior #12... Confidence. I got to the second page of the chapter, and there was a list of verses that suggest who Christ says we are. These verses are meant to be verses of encouragement, because we are created in the image of Christ, and who Christ says we are, is who we truly can be! I went down the list of verses, 1 John 4:16-18, John 3:18, Romans 12:6,  Philippians 4:13, and then a very common Psalm that I often overlook, Psalm 139:13-16 which says,

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book."

For some reason, that last verse (v. 16)- Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book, stuck out so much to me tonight, and in my journal, I just began to write the words... IT DOESN'T MATTER. I didn't understand why those words came to my mind at first, but then I began to process the words of that last verse, and it so suddenly came to me. The Lord has a plan for my life... that is so cliche to say, but it is so true. From the time before I was even placed into my mother's womb, the Lord had a plan for my life. I picture Him sitting at a desk, pulling out a manila folder with my name on it, and going through the resume of my life. The jobs I will have, the relationships I will have, the husband I may have, the children I may have, etc. To me these are all "may haves", "mights", or "maybes", but the Lord knows! He has a plan! And when I read that last verse, it makes me realize, why have I been living my life the way I have been living it? Why do I worry about what my future career will be, how much money I will make, whether or not I am pleasing every person around me, if I am making my boss happy, if I appear likable to others, if I will ever get married, if I will ever get to be a mom... Why am I worrying? The Lord has a plan. He has ALL of my days that are ordained for me WRITTEN IN HIS BOOK! The Lord doesn't call me to worry, but to earnestly seek Him in all of my ways! If I am seeking the Lord, then I have nothing to worry about, because I will be experiencing the most enriching life there could possibly be!

I think about how much time I have spent worrying, and being such a people-pleaser, and trying to chase perfection, when I know it will always be out of reach, and tonight, the Holy Spirit truly sort of slapped me in the face with those words... IT DOESN'T MATTER. When I think about those words, I think about how small my life is on the larger scale of things. I think about the world as a whole... All 7.165 billion people... and it makes me realize that the things I worry about really don't matter. In fact, they don't matter at all. What DOES matter is this, there are about 2.5 billion people... that is just shy of 1/3, of the entire population of the world who have not been reached with the Gospel. That means that there are 2.5 billion people in this world who truly have no clue what love is or how to love because they haven't  experienced love yet... because the Bible says in 1 John 4:8 that God IS love. That is 2.5 billion people who don't have a spot yet reserved for them in the eternal home of Heaven because they don't have relationships with Jesus Christ, because they have yet to be reached with the Gospel. I read this, and it breaks my heart. It truly makes the words IT DOESN'T MATTER hurt. It's as if my heart is a hard piece of wood and the Holy Spirit is working with a carving knife to truly engrave those words into my heart, so that they become a part of my heart. Those simple words... IT DOESN'T MATTER. Gosh, I keep reading those words and saying those words, and it truly makes me realize how minuscule the things are that I worry about and complain about, especially when I think about how someone's salvation is at stake, someone maybe 10,000 miles away, or maybe just 10 miles away, because they have not heard about the Love of Jesus Christ. 

This post isn't meant to be depressing or sad, even though it honestly is. Those numbers don't lie, and as a Christian, it makes me feel like a failure, but it makes those words, IT DOESN'T MATTER, ring so true to me, and it makes me want to do something. The next time I catch myself so selfishly worrying about something that truly won't matter in an hour anyway, I want to remind myself that it DOESN'T MATTER. I want to remind myself of Psalm 139:16, the Lord has a plan for my life, and He has had this master plan for a long time now, and He will work everything out as long as I am seeking Him. I want to remind myself of what DOES matter... Those men, women and children who have yet to hear about and experience the love of an incredible, omnipotent, omniscient, gracious, merciful, faithful God! So, the next time you catch yourself worrying about how much money you have in your bank account, what grade you got on your last test, how you haven't studied so much for an upcoming test, whether or not this outfit makes you look fat, whether or not Susie will go on that date with you, or whatever it is... remember... IT DOESN'T MATTER. 

I leave you with this... Jesus calls us to go and spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth in Acts 1:8. My life verse, and goal is the following, and I hope it can be a good reminder to you, that the little things DON'T MATTER, but a person's salvation... now that MATTERS.

"But in your hearts, revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

-1 Peter 3:15

I Am... FREE!

For the past several months, I have been carrying a burden. This burden, for me, came as quite a surprise, because it involved something I had absolutely loved to become something I honestly began to start hating. What is this burden? This burden is running. Running, to me, is a beautiful gift from the Lord that I have been blessed with. To me, running is more than my feet simply hitting the pavement, my lungs burning, and my body screaming in pain at times. To me, running is a lifestyle. It is a gift to be able to move my legs in a way that so many others can't. It is a blessing to be able to take a deep breath in the middle of pushing my body to do something it really shouldn't even be doing. It is a blessing to have the courage to get out of my comfort zone and become comfortable with being so uncomfortable. It is a blessing every time I get to cross a finish line, no matter what race it is. It is a blessing to see that clock showing a PR, a sure sign that my hard work has finally paid off. Running is truly a gift.

To begin hating something I have loved for years now... well it's absolutely devastating. Several months back, I had encountered a situation that really changed my perspective of running, and the sad part is, is that it was because of the false words I allowed myself to believe, I began to despise going out for a run. These past few months, I can honestly say, have been the first time in my life that i have struggled to lace up my shoes and head out the door for a run. I began to dread just the thought of going out for a run. With every run, I began to count down the miles, just waiting until I could finally push that stop button and be done for the day. I didn't enjoy myself, I complained, I was fatigued, I felt so heavy, I began to believe the voice of Satan telling me, "Lindsey, just give it up. You CAN'T do this." My heart was broken, my emotions were thrown for a loop, and I was irritable to those around me. I just wanted to quit running, and have absolutely no obligations to have to ever do it again. My feelings of hate were so strong, it truly broke my heart. How could something I had loved for so long, and enjoyed so much, become something I despised and dreaded? What had originally been my stress-reliever, was now becoming my stressor. 

About a week ago, I began to hit my all time low. I didn't know what to do with my feelings anymore, and I couldn't bear the thought of going out for a run every single day, yet I knew I had to continue training because my teammates were depending on me to do my part for the team, so even though I hated every second, I went out and did it. I began to break down, and I finally came to the point that I knew I needed to talk to someone. Someone had to know what I was experiencing and how I was feeling. I knew there was someone that had to understand me, and the Lord showed me just who I needed to talk to. Without names being mentioned, this friend of mine was so compassionate towards me, and such a comfort. She knew how I was feeling; she had been there. She did her best to speak light into my life, and these words were my saving grace! What stuck out the most was this... "Just let it all go until August. Pray about it, but do not think about running until you absolutely have to. Just run this summer, and truly ENJOY it." What I had been struggling with for awhile was the thought of running for Spring Arbor University again next year. This burden had been so heavy on my shoulders, that it truly felt like a weight pressing me down into the ground, making it impossible to run fast, or really run at all. I felt awful, both emotionally and physically. I held onto those words, let it go until August, and with that, I bring you the incredible power of our Lord and Savior.

Yesterday, Saturday May 17, 2014, I went out for a short recovery run, and for the first couple of miles, I felt incredibly weighed down, just carrying that burden on my shoulders, and immediately becoming even more depressed and defeated when I looked at the pace on my watch. A few tears began to roll down my cheeks, but then I heard the Lord whisper, Lindsey, turn your watch off. Just turn it off and run. So, I did what I thought the Lord was telling me to do, and I turned my watch off. After I turned off my watch, I began to pray, and I prayed a prayer of surrender. I didn't want to carry this awful burden of making a decision about running next year, and how awful I have felt lately, and the hate that I had towards running. I didn't want to hold on to it any longer. I prayed that the Lord would truly show me, some how, that He truly was reaching down and taking the burden away from me as I was offering it up to Him... and suddenly, I felt a physical lightness upon my shoulders as a weight literally felt like it was being lifted from me. I immediately began to cry and laugh all at the same time, and before I knew it, my legs were moving so swiftly, just like they had before, and I was rejoicing again in this beautiful gift. It was truly in a matter of seconds! The Lord is so faithful in answering our prayers! And, as if that is not enough... I headed out today to do a long run, 10 miles, and before I headed out, I prayed that the Lord would continue to hold that burden and that I would rejoice in this beautiful gift of running, just as He originally intended for me to do. As I began running, I looked down at my watch at one mile... 7:16... and as the miles kept rolling, I kept trucking along, rejoicing in this gift, admiring the Father's beautiful creation around me, and by the time I got done, I looked at my watch and had realized I had averaged a 7:26 mile pace for 10 miles! The Lord is SO good!

Today, I am so thankful for prayer, and for open communication with the Father, and I am so thankful that He listens, and truly desires to answer His children's prayers and bless His children. I am also so thankful that we do not have to walk this life alone, and that the Lord places wonderful people in our lives to encourage us and give us advice when we need it. So, to my saving grace that gave me such a simple, yet so profound piece of advice to "let it go until August", I am so thankful for you and our friendship, and you are so truly loved and appreciated! (You know who you are!) Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer, and do not hesitate to lift your burdens to the Father. He is truly strong enough to carry them for you, and even better yet, He wants to do so!