Today is January 6, 2015... AKA the dreaded day in which winter break ends. It is gone with the movies, cookies and cocoa and back to the books, black coffee and ever-so-wonderfully-delicious dining commons mystery meals. As dreadful as I make it sound, I am actually very excited to be back at school and I am really looking forward to all that this J-term and spring semester will bring. I am excited to see where the Lord leads me and I am even more excited to figure out how to respond to His leading.
Despite my excitement to be back on campus, I realized something today... it is so incredibly hard to leave home. I guess the realization came quickly as tears were flowing down my cheeks like the Niagara Falls. I was gasping for air between my sobs as I drove away from my house, my parents standing in the driveway waving goodbye.
As I continued to drive, the tears continued to fall. I reflected on what a wonderful month it has been. There was no big event, nothing particularly special about being home for this winter break, but I always truly enjoy spending time with my family. Eventually I was able to work past the tears, and I began to think about how much I love my family, and besides that, how much my family loves me.
My parents are two of the most sacrificial people you could ever meet. They are constantly putting the needs of others above their own. From the day I was born into this world I have been cared for, provided for, cherished, adored and loved by my parents. I am so thankful and fortunate to say that I have an incredibly deep relationship with both my mom and my dad and as I have grown up each of them has become more than a parent but truly a friend.
As strange as it may seem, as I was driving back to school, I began to think about what a blessing it is to feel so heart broken to leave home. Before today I never thought of it in this way. But think about it, what a blessing it is to have people in your life that love you so unconditionally that it literally hurts your heart to be separated from them. My parent's have shown me a love that is so strong and unconditional that I just hate to leave their physical presence, even though I know love knows no physical limits. The environment they have created for my sister and I to be brought up in is so warm, welcoming, encouraging and abounding in love that it makes it so incredibly hard to leave.
These thoughts continued to swirl through my head, when all of a sudden I felt the Lord speaking an incredible truth in my heart. He said "Think of that love that you experience in your relationship with your parents and then imagine that I love you even more than that." Wow-- how can that be? I then started to think about the tight embrace and soft whisper of "I love you" that my mom gave me before I left and the tears that were gently rolling down her cheeks as I pulled out of the driveway. And I felt the Lord say to me, "Your mother's heart hurts when you leave, think how much more my heart hurts when you walk away from me." I heard Him say, "I love you so much Lindsey, and because I love you so much, you never have to say goodbye to me, even if temporarily, as you temporarily say goodbye to your parents." He said, "I am always with you, and I don't want you to say goodbye to me, because that is what makes my heart hurt; when you say goodbye."
This was an overwhelming message to take in. I thought about what it means to say goodbye to God. What are the times in my life when I have said goodbye to God, and then I got to thinking about all of the times I figured I had enough strength or power on my own to get through a tough time or accomplish a task. I thought of the multiple times of day that I sin and go against all that God stands for. I thought about all those times I have done things for self-glory. All of these situations are times when I have said goodbye to God, and in a sense, broken His heart, because I have walked away from His love. How I have hurt the heart of God.
But, the message does not end there. Lucky for me, not only is God's love abundant but so is His great mercy. Because of His great love for me, He is willing to forgive me for saying goodbye and He is eager to welcome me back into His merciful arms. I am so thankful for this.
Today I realized an incredibly simple, yet extremely profound lesson, and it is this: I don't ever want to hurt God's heart. His love is so unconditional and so sacrificial, and I am so undeserving and unworthy of His love, but He chooses to love me anyway and that is something I never want to say goodbye to. Without His love, I cease to have hope. Without His love, I cease to have purpose. Without His love, I cease to exist. I need His love and I crave His love, and I never, ever want to say goodbye.
Today I gained a new perspective to what it means to love, and even more so, what it means to be loved. I learned through a not-so-elegant situation an incredible piece of truth that the Lord has revealed to me through His divine power. The Lord works in any and every situation, and I am so thankful that my heart was receptive to what He wanted to speak to me today. Mom and dad, if you are reading this, thank you for showing me so much love since the day I was brought into this world, and even more than that, thank you for introducing me to the love of the Father. It is because of His great love that I have learned to appreciate the love that I have for each of you. I thank God daily for blessing me with such wonderful earthly parents. I love you guys so much, and I am so thankful that it hurts so much to say goodbye ;).
